When Every Day is a Bad Hair Day

I used to have long beautiful brown hair in high school. Now, my lovely long hair is long gone and I only have short clumps of hair spread across my head. Do I miss it? Yeah, sometimes when my head gets cold, but most of the time I don’t.

I save a lot of money not needing hair styling or hair products. I only need a $10 hair-cut and some cheap-ass shampoo — a 99-cent bottle of Suave will do.

One bottle of shampoo lasts me about three or four months. Do the math: I spend like $3 a year on shampoo. I could probably get away with spending even less if I took more of those small shampoo bottles from hotels when I’m traveling.

Conditioner, you ask? Ha! I laugh in your naive, over-moisturized face. My hair don’t need no stinking conditioner. It doesn’t need to be conditioned, trained, dyed, brushed, combed, greased, or teased. At most, I just need to pass my hands over the top of my head to remove any stray fluff that may have attached itself to an odd follicle as I was pulling on or off a T-shirt or sweater.

Of course, the downside of having short, patchy, graying hair is that it looks lousy on my beautiful — though slightly scarred and blemished — noggin. Bad hair is quite the barrier for many shallow people who think that without gorgeous hair you can’t join the beautiful people club. Whatever.